A Superhero Everyday

CRAZY ENOUGH TO CHANGE THE WORLD

2011-10-06T22:27:00.001-04:00

Below, Steve Jobs narrates the first Think different commercial, "Here's to the Crazy Ones," that never aired. Apparently Richard Dreyfuss did the voiceover for the original spot.In it is this great quote:

"The people who are crazy enough to change the world, are the ones who do."

Awesome.

WHAT MY DAD REMEMBERS ABOUT 9/11

2011-09-09T17:44:00.002-04:00

I just wrote about my memories of watching 9/11 from 20 blocks away. Here are my Dad's memories he wrote for McDonogh's "We Remember 9/11" series:

"I was sitting in my classroom at McDonogh. Margaret Bitz, in tears, came and told me a plane had flown into the WTC.

Bo [Dixon, the Headmaster at the time] called all of us to the Horn Theatre, and on the way over we all realized what was happening. As I walked my kids over, I tried to call Jon but could not get through. As I got to the doors of the Horn I broke down, and Bo kindly took me aside and excused me from the meeting for a while. I wandered by the US office where the TV was showing the event.

When we left to go back to Finney, I went back to the US office to watch some more. Petrified, knowing that he [used to work] for the GAP in the World Trade Center, I stood, worried, watching the TV. I knew that he was not there that day, but his apartment was very close to the WTC and my fear was the WTC could fall toward his apartment.

It was not until 12:23 p.m. that I received an email from Jon stating that he couldn't talk right then, but that he was okay. I saved that email for eight years and read that email every day for those eight years until I accidentally erased it."

WATCHING 9/11 FROM 20 BLOCKS AWAY

2011-09-09T11:46:00.002-04:00

My memory of the day and the emotions behind it are very separated from the emotion that has been added to my memory since that day, if that makes any sense.

As I mentioned, I had just returned for my sophomore year at NYU when 9/11 happened. I watched the second tower fall that morning from my dorm about 20 blocks away. I missed the first tower falling because I didn’t believe my roommate — who was notorious for joking — when he woke me up and said, “Dude, someone flew a plane into the World Trade Center. Come downstairs.”

When I got downstairs, there were lots of people looking at the building. What strikes me as odd 10 years later is that I wasn’t thinking, “Oh, there’s a terrorist attack, we have to get out of here,” or even, “There must be a lot of people who were just killed in that crash.” I was thinking, “Man, I have to be at work soon. What should I do?”

This detachment from the human tragedy in front of me carried through to later that morning, when my friend and I decided that we should buy disposable cameras so that we could take pictures of it all. This seems so ridiculous to me now — that one of my thoughts that morning was not to help, or even mourn, but to get a camera from a convenient store. It wasn’t until I started seeing streetfulls of people walking past my dorm coming from lower Manhattan with soot covering their clothes, hair and faces that the tragedy really began to sink in.
Then, fearing I would get in trouble if I didn’t go to work at my work-study job at the University's Information Center, I began walking towards Washington Square Park. On the way, I tried calling my parents to tell them I was okay, but my cell phone didn’t work. I tried numerous times during the 10-15 minute walk and it never connected. I learned later, not surprisingly, that cell towers were affected by the sheer volume of calls going out of NYC at that time.

When I got to the Information Center, people — students, faculty, employees, etc. — were simply watching the televisions. Phones may have been ringing, but I don’t remember doing anything other than watching the TV. Then I emailed my Dad to let him know I was fine. He kept that email and re-read it daily for eight years, until he accidentally deleted it. (Now that I have a daughter, I can’t begin to imagine the sickening worry I would feel as a parent in this situation and the relief a simple email like that could provide.)

For a time, classes were cancelled, streets below 14th were closed, and as has been widely reported, New Yorkers all around were outwardly friendly and compassionate towards each other. A friend from a dorm in lower Manhattan stayed with us for a while. There were pictures of missing people on fences. There were candles spilling out into the sidewalk in memory of those who died. It was definitely one of the most surreal moments I’ve had in New York City and maybe even my life.

As a footnote, I had worked during my freshman year — the 2001 spring semester — at the Gap in the basement of the World Trade Center. There was a shopping complex under there. I’d take the “E” train to the World Trade Center stop to get to work. Then, when I came home for the summer of 2001, I transferred to a Gap at the Owings Mills Mall. In August of that year, an NYU friend set me up with “the best work study job on campus” because it paid $9.50/hr and you got to sit behind a computer. When I got back to school for my sophomore year — just days before September 11 — I had just started that new job. I think the thing that really stays with me to this day is that had I not changed jobs, I could have been in the basement of the World Trade Center that Tuesday morning.

I wasn’t aware of the detachment I had felt that day — the focus on trivial, seemingly inconsequential things in the face of great human suffering — until I was able to put myself in the shoes of those affected either by seeing soot-covered lower Manhattan-ers or imagining myself in the World Trade Center. For me, it was hard to (for lack of a better term) appreciate the magnitude of an event like 9/11 while being so close — something about seeing the forest through the trees. As I get further away from it, and I learn more about the aftermath, the alternative theories, the politics and the true heroism of those first responders, I do begin to appreciate the magnitude of what I witnessed. And I think it will continue to be a defining moment that shapes how I see the world, why I believe in what I believe and why I choose to act the way I act.

DEVELOPING A SUPERHERO AT McDONOGH SCHOOL

2011-08-11T22:18:00.003-04:00

In May of 2011, the man who directed me as Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls, said that we were a "go" to produce A Superhero at McDonogh on March 2-4, 2012. Since then, we've had a handful of production meetings, built a set model, fine-tuned how the "superhero" elements of the show can happen on a stage and we've had some of the liveliest, most rewarding artistic conversations I've had in a long time.

Perhaps the most notable aspect of the last couple of months, though, is not what has been happening, but who it has been happening with.

As I mentioned above, Jon Aaron, our director, made Guys and Dolls such an inspiring experience 13 years ago that it propelled me the following year to write my first musical, Tale, and later go to college to study music theatre writing. Pete Hengen—who is leading the set design, assembling the 10+ piece orchestra and helping me transcribe orchestrations—taught me to play the trumpet when I was in 6th grade. When he took over the band program at McDonogh a few years later, he recommended I continue my private trumpet lessons with Tony Neenan—who we're hoping will be available to play first trumpet in the orchestra. The serendipity of having these two men—who I believe instilled in me an unshakeable love for brass—help me bring to life a score that is essentially my homage to the great brass-driven superhero scores of John Williams, Danny Elfman, Michael Kamen, etc. is too meaningful to me for words.

And if it's possible to make the experience of having A Superhero performed on the very same stage as my first musical Tale more meaningful, then having Cam Deline design costumes could be it. Cam is the mother of my Tale collaborator and friend Stephen Deline and a long-time collaborator of my parent's Young Actors Theatre (YAT) program (she made Cinderella's gown when I was the prince in 8th grade!). And just recently my brother Josh—who graduated from Berklee with a degree in music production and engineering—officially joined as our sound designer.

Suffice it to say, I am beyond thrilled to be bringing the script and score down the home-stretch with people I both trust and admire. I don't know whether I'm most looking forward to seeing the superhero costumes for Superland or hearing what the theme park rides will sound like or hearing the score I've had in my head for nearly 7 years played by live musicians or being back home in the Ceres M. Horn Theatre or simply sharing my work with the McDonogh community that shaped who I am today.

I can say with certainty that with a now-firm deadline, I have exponentially increased the amount of writing time and it has been exhilarating to fill the nooks and crannies of my day—7am morning sessions before work, lunch sessions during the work week, evening walk sessions, etc—with creative energy. And anyone who knows me knows that this exhilaration is structurally supported by my incredible wife and creative partner who everyday helps me remember to:

"Focus on the journey, not the destination.
Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."
-Greg Anderson

So, I can't wait to share it with you all over 3 performances in March 2012 and I hope you save the date! But I also can't wait to take this artistic journey with such a wonderful group of people. It's going to be an exciting next couple of months for sure.

UNINTERRUPTED

2011-02-22T00:04:00.000-05:00

Creativity is something you tap into. It's a river. You have no control over its current, ultimately. I have tried coffee, energy pills, shut doors, candles, different times of day, walks, throwing darts, etc and while the combined effects might help your creativity, I've found that it strikes you when its ready.

Such is the topic (in general) of why good work is rarely done at an office.

MOVING THE GOAL POSTS

2010-11-18T23:10:00.001-05:00

Okay, yes I watch a lot of West Wing, and yes, my last blog post was about not watching as much TV, so I will report that I have made -- together with my wife -- a commitment to only watch after 10:30ish so as to limit the amount of available hours in the day for TV before bedtime.

But... I was watching The West Wing last night and CJ said one of my favorite lines -- one I had actually been thinking about last night after I saw a great one act at Manhattan Rep's One Act play Festival. The line was: "I'm moving the goal posts and claiming the match."

I was thinking about this because when I walked into the one act my friend had directed that night, I was taken by the intimacy of the space. It was 30 seats tops. And the audience was right in the faces of the actors. It was a real "theatre" theatre. It was a little raw, in a good, organic/holistic/real sort of way. I started thinking about all of the small spaces like this that exist in the city. I started thinking about all of the festivals like this that take place in the city. A one act festival. Available as a service to artists in the city, but also doing a service to Manhattan Rep. Bringing audiences into new work. Producing new work that won't see much more -- that doesn't have much more of an ambition -- than that festival. It's about the play in that space.

I don't know, something about that really appealed to me last night. I think I've been so focused on making a career in what I love -- writing for theatre -- that I have lost a little bit of the most important thing: writing for the love of seeing it realized. If I'm writing theatre that doesn't get to be "theatre," I might as well write a novel. But I want to write theatre, because I love the form. The sponteneity of it. The collaboration. The truth it can bring. The unique experience of it.

As much as I love A Superhero, it's a big... BIG... BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGG... musical. Not so much in cast size anymore, because we got it down to 10 now (though it would benefit from more), but it's written for Broadway. Commercial Broadway, but in a way that isn't commercial Broadway. It's written for an orchestra, not really a piano (though it could be done with a piano). It's a show that is right for a time and place, but maybe not this year or this Broadway. It's a weird feeling, but I felt very strongly last night -- fatigued by trying to write the show like A Superhero designed to be the "career maker" -- that I'm missing the times in High School or College where I wrote for "the room" as the playwrights in this festival had just done. It made me want to change my writing philosophy. It made me want to write a show for a 30 person audience. For a festival. That might not be seen by more than the people who attend that couple of performances. For the fun of it. For the fun of the process and getting it on its feet, because it's not about the audiences as much as it is about the artists involved. Write for writing as opposed to writing for "the career." Be true to the art, not the economics of audiences and ticket buying.

And then on my walk to the train and then on the way home I thought of the West Wing episode where CJ says, "I'm moving the goal posts and claiming the match," because that would make me insanely happy I think. Being able to write. Having the odds of something I write getting produced go way up. And having the most important thing be, writing for the room. Moving the goalposts to a more achievable goal. Not Broadway or kickstarting a writing career, but watching something I write on a stage. That's what I enjoy. I don't need to be the next big thing (though I wouldn't mind). I just want to be in it. Writing is what brings me perspective in life -- what makes me appreciate it and understand it. I want to "move the goal posts and claim the match" to bring me this. The real match is simply enjoying yourself. I can move the goal posts around and claim that match.

But seriously... then I get home, and the next episode we put in happened to be that one. I read into these things, obviously. But I might just do that.

A ROUTINE, A HIATUS AND A NEW OUTLOOK

2010-11-15T23:21:00.001-05:00

Routine can be comforting, but it can also be confining. Recently, I've settled into a very comfortable routine that has formed once my nine-and-a-half-year-old daughter began her "official" bedtime routine. It goes like this: wake up at 7:30am when she wakes up, try to sleep on and off until 8:30 when I get into the shower, take her to day care, go to work, work until 6:15ish, come home to hang out with my wife and daughter, feed my daughter around 8pm-ish, read to her til lights-out at 9pm, then sit and watch an episode or two or three of something with my wife until it's time to do the whole thing over again tomorrow.

I'm finding that days are going by too quickly. I'm disappointed in how "short" my time feels. Though it's strange: I love every minute of it. Still, I'm feeling tired because of it. Being a Dad still feels new to me. Especially this very "Dad" routine. By 9pm, when my daughter goes to bed, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like reading or cooking. Definitely don't feel like cleaning or doing family budget work or grocery shopping or any other seemingly productive activity. I feel entitled to my exhaustion and I want to just sit down next to my wife and relax, thanks.

The problem with that, even though I think the logic is totally sound, is that as those days begin to accumulate, I notice that I'm pinching out my creative outlet. And that may seem like a small thing when it just a day or two or even a week, but after a while, it becomes very clear to me that my creative outlet(s) are the things that keep me sane, happy and in perspective.

In addition to my daughter's new bedtime routine, a recent change in my job responsibilities at work has been contributed to this. Though this "promotion" has brought about both wonderful new opportunities, it has also brought with it some new limitations. This job -- at least initially -- will be requiring much more of my creative juices leaving less room for others like writing. In order to succeed in this new capacity, I am taking a hard look at my life's goals and have decided that theatre administration -- specifically running my own theatre organization someday -- is something that I'd like to be able to have open to me. So, wanting this and wanting a writing career -- and wanting them at the same time, while wanting a family and while still paying the bills! -- seems to be a hard thing to achieve.

This new job has been milking my creative juices during the day, the new routine (TV and all) has been draining what's left and while day-to-day I'm being creative at work and enjoying myself, I'm missing a piece of fulfillment and most importantly, sanity.

I'm struggling currently with the solution to this. Today, I've decided to not turn on the TV, which it turns out for me is like a drug, and it's working. There's some scene in some comedy where everyone's glued to their TVs and suddenly it stops working and this music comes on as the TV-watcher looks over to the table next him and notices a book as if for the first time.

After "overdosing" on a fantastic high of 3 football games last Sunday, I am hearing the music, looking to the "table next to me" and seeing a blog I haven't written in much recently, some books I've been meaning to read and some quiet I've been missing with the TV on. The goal today is simple: don't turn on the TV. The goal tomorrow might be a little harder: write a blog entry or something, man. Read a chapter in your book or something, dude... the books and blogs allow for active thinking, where the TV encourages passivity. Passivity can feel comforting as I said in the beginning, but I can't let "comforting" be a strait jacket, even if I enjoy it day-to-day. As Jon Stewart said to Rachel Maddow about the MSNBC pundits on her interview with him (Yes, I saw that), there's an aggregate effect. I'm noticing it now on my routine and it's creating a new outlook for me.

I had the great pleasure of going to Jon Stewart's the Rally to Restore Sanity a week or two ago and it was fascinating. I think the biggest take away for me was an analogy he made to cars. If you have a birds eye view of the Lincoln Tunnel or something -- or as I've thought before, the NJ Turnpike as it goes from 6 lanes to 3 -- you'll watch all of these cars slowly weave themselves into one tunnel. You'll slowly see all the cars -- as Jon Stewart was trying to say -- "get along". Even if they disagree, they are all going the same direction and need to let someone go in front every now and then. Creating a "you go, then I go" flow and ebb.

Well, in this metaphor, my "wants" are the cars and they're all moving in the same direction. Writing a musical, spending time with family, having a career I'm passionate about, enjoying good friends, watching good TV, keeping a good budget, sleeping in, etc all seem to be among the top of my priorities. If the pursuit of these goals requires some of the "wants" to get behind other "wants" while one "want" takes its turn, it seems logical to me that I'm not choosing one over the other, I'm simply letting one go first, knowing they're all headed in the same direction and will end up at the same place eventually. This goes, then that goes. Life goes this way, then goes that way. One doesn't negate the other or indicate that one way won't ever happen -- it all happens in good time. In it's own way and time. Patience is important. So is perspective.

And this concludes my evening of not watching TV. (If you're still reading, sorry, just tell me to knock it off :-))

BREAK'S OVER

2010-08-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

Naval Intelligence reports approximately 1200 Cubans left Havana this morning. Approximately 700 turned back due to severe weather, some 350 are missing and presumed dead, 137 have been taken into custody in Miami and are seeking asylum.

With the clothes on their backs, they came through a storm. And the ones that didn’t die want a better life. And they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: Break’s over.

Above is from the pilot episode of my favorite show which I had to watch again tonight after I was thinking about this quote all day.

Though the theatre is hardly the life and death equivalent of trying to travel from Cuba to America in a raft (as described above), it is a profession that countless millions enter into each year. That an approximate "many" turn back from due to "severe weather," with "some" watching dreams die forever. A blessed few are fortunate enough to be "taken into" organizations in New York where they are so eagerly "seeking" a foothold.

"They" want it here, in New York, in this profession. "Their" constant pursuit is impressive. And the point is the same. Be thankful you're here, remember why you're here and what you get to do every day.

And this: Break's over.

PRIVILEGE

2010-02-02T02:23:00.000-05:00

A friend said that raising a child is the greatest privilege she's ever had. I had never heard someone put it that way, but today, as my first child was born and as I held her in my arms while she slept, I thought a lot about it. I like it. It is a privilege. A whole person will look at you forever as "Mom" or "Dad" -- what an awe-inspiring feeling.

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.

One is roots. The other is wings.”

- Hodding Carter, Jr.

I can already hear myself saying... "I remember when I used to hold you in my arms and you were so small..."

I love this little girl. Welcome Grace.

COMMITTED

2010-01-20T01:39:00.000-05:00

When my life took a dramatic turn in April 2009, I started thinking long and hard about what I wanted out of marriage. I started thinking about marriage as an institution... a lot... as opposed to just "the next step" in a relationship. I also read a perspective-altering book called Eat, Pray, Love that linked me forever to the work of author Elizabeth Gilbert and the author of a blog that quoted it a lot with things like this:

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lazy about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, EAT PRAY LOVE

I identified a lot with Elizabeth Gilbert's story and was moved by the timing of finding and reading this book about finding happiness after divorce at a point in my life where I was unhappy with my marriage.

Marriage institutionally though now, I believe, is in a new frontier... almost in an identity crisis... as I felt I was. Who am I if my marraiage doesn't work? As the days of the arranged marriages, the patriarical marriages of the 50's and 60's with the bread-winning husbands and housewife wives, and even the marriages I've seen as transitions between those keep progressing, I feel marriage is moving towards a simply being the purely legal union of two people choosing to live their lives together for love -- not necessity, upward mobility or political gain. And with that tilt into love comes the natural difficulties of... love.

Anyway, when I heard that Elizabeth Gilbert had a new book out about her coming to remarry with a historical perspective of the institution and everyhing. I knew I wanted to read it. Lo and behold, I get it in the mail today from my aunt as a present -- because she knew I liked Eat Pray Love (because I gave it to her as a gift for Christmas).

I don't know... it's the timing that strikes me. Marriage. A new baby. Divorce. The expectations of it all. And I'm thinking about this new frontier. Who am I if my marriage hasn't worked out? What is marriage? And what is it now... today? And what it all means and here comes this book from a family member... from Mrs. Gilbert right around the time I'm ready for a perspective-altering exploration of the subject from a voice I trust and with which I identify.

I obviously haven't read it yet, but I wonder if it's a coicidence that it's called Committed.

CONVERGENCE

2010-01-18T13:35:00.004-05:00

"Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women
Living on the earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood"

- James Taylor, "Shed A Little Light"

I've never really given too much thought to Martin Luther King Jr. Day or read any of the books written about him. I've enjoyed the day off from work or school, I've studied him in classes and I've probably heard a couple of minutes of the famous "I Have A Dream" speech in DC.

Today though, there's a baby on the way. There's devastation in Haiti that was shown on 60 Minutes last night where corpses are being bulldozed into mass graves. There are friends of mine who aren't allowed to get legally married to the person they love. Today there are recalls of Tylenol because of indifference, there are billion dollar bonuses and wars that don't end. Today I'm not so sure capitalism is the best way to organize our society. It's becoming increasingly amazing to me how much life gets wasted as a consequence of politics, competition, profit and ultimately indifference. Our lives are just filled with waste -- wasted hopes, wasted resources, wasted lives.

"...There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest
There is a passage through the darkness and the mist
And though the body sleeps the heart will never rest..."

- James Taylor, "Shed A Little Light"

But I believe we are living through it for a reason -- and in that sense it is not a waste. As we begin to see our government go further and further into debt for all the wars and bailouts and mismanagement, I believe that in our lifetime, we will see a tipping point: leading to a massive shift in how we all live together.

Today, there is still inequality and injustice in the world and I think about Vineyard Theatre's production of The Scottsboro Boys -- a true tragic story that inspires us to face these inequalities. It's stories of grave injustices like this that help garner attention and attract the necessary energy needed to slowly, but steadily bring about needed change.

Rosa Parks cited the Scottsboro case as a major influence in her life and may have been the reason she did not get up from her seat on the bus that day in Montgomery, AL -- arguably lauching officially the American Civil Rights movement. Looking at The Scottsboro Boys story, Rosa Parks’ story, and the many stories of grave injustices that came out of that civil rights movement of the 60’s that are now a part of our textbooks, plays, movies, etc… many people have found hope that while change happens slowly, it will eventually happen. We can see that progress over time gets made.

Today, I'm having a major appreciation for the fact that Martin Luther King was a visionary and leader who saw that.

In this way, there's a convergence for me of everything I've learned up to this point meshing perfectly with the books, movies and life changes I've experienced over the last year. There's a reason I'm drawn to superheroes, true love... there's a reason I'm having a child... there's a reason I'm rethinking life right now... a reason why I'm the marketing director in charge of getting people to come see The Scottsboro Boys right now. There's a reason I'm thinking about Martin Luther King today more than I've ever thought about him before. I think convergences like these, people like MLK and stories like the Scottsboro boys make us believe that what’s right will ultimately triumph and what’s good will one day persevere – a very relevant and a crucial reminder that there’s no reason tomorrow should not be filled with hope no matter how bleak today is.

And when things converge for me, there's usually a West Wing episode that comes to mind to help tie it all together:

"Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King..."

UNTHINK

2010-01-17T16:31:00.000-05:00

It's interesting to think about how at the end of the week, I will have a baby. I was imagining someone asking me "Hey man, what do you have coming up this week" casually and me answering, "Well, I'm going to have a kid." Blows my mind a little.

With the last 9 months about to reach it's climactic resolution, I've been thinking a lot about -- and enjoying thinking about -- how to raise a child. What's the best school to send her... what's the best school that you can afford to send her? Who's the best pediatrician? Should you raise her with any particular religion? What are you going to teach her about money and budgets? What will you teach her about love? On and on and on...

My partner and I have immensely enjoyed thinking about these things -- and it's not surprising that we enjoy thinking about them together. I love that too.

In that spirit, on this three day weekend, we decided to watch a movie that I had seen before, but that she hadn't, called Zeitgeist and its sequel Zeitgeist Addendum. I'll probably blog about it more specifically in the near future, but I've noticed lately that I've been re-thinking a lot about life:

What I should eat.
How I should think.
How we should live.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about "how" and "why" we do a lot of things. How and why I do a lot of things. I've come to the conclusion that happiness is the most important part of anything. I want happiness for myself. I want whatever I do to bring me happiness because if I'm happy, I can make others happy. I want happiness in what I eat, how I think and how I live. I want happiness for my friends. My colleagues. My ex-es. I want happiness for my family. And I want happiness for my daughter arriving this week.

I'm like KFC. They wanted to unthink the wing and make it better. I want to unthink life and do the same thing in the name of happiness -- for me... and Grace.

NEGATIVITY

2010-01-07T22:59:00.006-05:00

We all get to a point sometimes where all we seem to be able to do is complain. A lot of times, it's how we best bond with our peers. We grab a drink after a tough day and bitch about the job or the girlfriend or the boyfriend or the lack of boyfriend or girlfriend. We complain about the weather or the parents or how much something costs. We complain about the democrats or the republicans. The way someone in a competing company is doing their job. The way someone in another department is doing their job. The acting, the story, the lyrics the music, the directing... We can find reasons and occasion to be negative about just about everything.

And yes, we bond over it because we identify with it in other people. And it's contagious.

A friend today was riled up over something that her boss said. She felt attacked, got defensive and began ripping into this boss to a few of us. A couple of the people related similar stories and added points as to why this boss was an idiot for doing what the boss had done. Suddenly everyone's adding stories about how much the world sucks until it dies down and everyone takes a breath. The thought in this situation always seems to be "Man, life sucks..." before we go back to what we were doing.

I would say that I am a positive person outwardly and deep down, I am an optimist, but I have a negative streak. Just like everyone. I have a very healthy skepticism of things. But what I'm finding is that more and more, I don't want to chime into the contagious negative bonding time. I've become acutely aware of it. How a normal conversation is pacing along and then 'wham', we get going on something we all hate together and the energy gets higher, the pace gets quicker, the postures change. And it's great, because we're identifying with each other, but I'm noticing now that for me, it's like getting a sugar high. It's like drinking a cup of coffee, realizing how much energy you have, how much focus you have now, and then drinking 3 more cups. So that by the end of that last drop you're like, "wow, this feels horrible."

I'm happy that I'm noticing things like this. I think awareness is the first step. Maybe I can live a negative-free life. I don't know. I have a healthy skepticism about it. I know that being positive is also contagious. I've been in creative brainstorming meetings where an idea gets going and then someone else takes it the next step and then someone else and someone else until everyone leaves feeling like they have been a part of something. Until everyone feels constructive, excited and most importantly happy.

I want to live in that world as much as I can and I think it's possible. Awareness is the first step. Maybe, the more I'm aware of being negative, the less I will be. Maybe that negativity will be replaced with genuine positivity and instead of getting sugar highs for the rest of my life, I'll eat full, nourishing meals.

BE CREATIVE

2009-11-15T14:28:00.006-05:00

I wrote a song once called "Myself" during a time when I was having trouble committing to being creative. It went "just spend the time it takes to write it down. Forget about the way the chords may sound. And just relax and let yourself come out." I was at NYU, going out often with friends and trying to grab as much as life as possible. What I discovered was that my time would get filled, and the creativity I had come to school for was getting bumped. It wasn't erased, just as I said earlier, I wasn't taking the time to write it down. There's another line that went "There's always so much to do. You think you'll do it later. Tomorrow. But never comes so soon and then you've forgotten it so start again cause unless it's written down, it doesn't count."

I find myself in a similar situation nearly 6 years later. Though this time there are some differences. For the most part I find that my desire to get things written down as a career choice is starting to stifle my creativity. Writing the perfect word or note or emotion often results in writing no word or note or emotion. I put a lot of thought into my work on A Superhero, but find that it's persuit of perfection can limit its potential.

So I've started a project with a friend who is a director and together we are creating intuitively. Going with instincts and writing to write. Brainstorming to just follow where it goes. Because what I love the most about writing is not that it might get produced one day or that it might be a big hit or that it might win me some award, it's that I love how it feels when I play a song back or read a line back that I wrote and I love it. It's when I feel something through writing that wasn't there before I created it and it makes me tear up or smile or cheer. That feeling only goes away if I push it away like I did in college or like I'm doing now.

In New York theatre, it's very hard to not get swept up into being better than your peers. At least it is for me. Many of us are born competitors and while competition can be exhilirating, it can also defeat the purpose of playing if it gets out of hand. I'm in this to play. I'm in this to experience that moment before my first musical "Tale" when the lights went down and the audience was quiet and the energy in the room was like nothing I had ever felt in my life. Anticipation. Excitement. At something new. Something original.

If I take a step back, I don't really care if when I say I'm going to write, whether I write or not. If that makes any sense. I say I'm going to write. I close the door. Sit down. Sometimes nothing is there to write down. What I really mean to say is that I want to be creative. I wish I could always be creative. Read something. Write something. Walk somewhere. Talk to someone. Do all of that to be inspired. Inspiration is where I find beauty in life. When I see beauty I want write it down somehow in a lyric or a song or a symphony or a requiem or a speech or a picture. I want to bottle up life as much as I can so that I can remember it when I'm not inspired. Or when I can't see beauty for some reason. But most importantly, I want to bottle it up because I love doing it. It clicks. Like my love for my partner. Like an apple cinnamon candle. It just clicks with me.

Singing in octaves
Conducting a really good build or forte passage
Repeating one phrase over and over but over different music.
Playing any kind of song slowly so that you can really hear how the harmonics fit together
Playing any song that has a pulse so that you tap into it as a heartbeat so that when it stops you miss it.
a good beginning, middle and end

SHAQ SHERIFF

2009-10-31T12:59:00.002-04:00

The romantic, optimist in me likes this. Likes this a whole lot. Someone who has more money than he knows what to do with needing something like this in his life. The feeling that you are making a difference.

And think about it... how symbolic can it be to have a 7 foot giant celebrity representing that line you shouldn't cross and standing there for no pay (or very little comparative pay) for that reason.

YOUR CARDS

2009-09-09T00:28:00.004-04:00

It's easy to forget how horrible it feels right before a really hard algebra test. Or how terrifying it can be to sit outside while you wait for an interview for a job you really want. That feeling of wanting something -- a good grade or a job.

Wanting can lead to disappointment. Well, wanting itself doesn't necessarily. But when you want something and then you decide that you can get that something, you have placed an expectation on the table. When you're far away from that algebra test or interview, you may still have plenty of confidence that everything will be fine. 'I'll figure it out.' But when the time comes and you're walking to class or when you're told, "It'll just be a few minutes", you realize just how vulnerable a situation you've just put yourself into.

There's the table. Here are your cards. Rather, there were your cards. They're on the table now for all to see.

I had an audition today for the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop. It was late in the day and I spent all morning and early afternoon worried that I would forget the first verse of my song or blank out in the middle of a chord progression. When I arrived, they were running 40 minutes late, so I had to wait. But when I got in, I played it without a hitch -- just like I had practiced it for 3 hours the day before.

No matter how much you practice and prepare, when it comes down to going after something you really want, there's always a part of you that doubts you can actually get it. You've of course planned ten steps down the road, you're going to get the job and then buy this so that this can happen and that can happen.... you're going to pass the test and then graduate and then get into the college you want and all of that... But in that moment right before -- that moment of reasonable doubt -- you see all of those plans, hopes, dreams taken away from you. What if you don't get the good grade or job? And none of those things happen. Will you be okay with that? You let your mind start thinking about that and then all of a sudden 'Ding' it's time to start the test or someone finally comes out and says, "He'll see you now."

I want to be a part of the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop. I was very worried that by telling people about the audition, I would increase the disappointment if I eventually found out I didn't make it in. But ultimately, I know it's my own disappointment that I am trying to deal with. My self projected disappointment that if I don't get in, somehow I'm not worthy or good enough to write for the theatre community for which I so desperately want to write. Self confidence. Giving power to the institutions and critics and opinion makers instead of giving it to yourself.

And if I do not make it in, I know it will lead me down a path that is meant for me. It's either meant to be or it isn't and I'm okay, in the end, with either. It's just that moment where you think it's in your hands entirely -- when it's your words and fingers and character trying to bring you closer to what you want -- that it becomes clear to me that getting what you really want is never that easy.

SURPRISE

2009-08-25T00:31:00.007-04:00

"Don't be surprised if you find yourself preoccupied with your own thoughts -- sometimes to the exclusion of just about everything else" says page 97 in the chapter called "The Lights are on and Somebody's Home" in The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.

Yes, for those who don't know, there has been a blessing bestowed upon me and my family in the form of (a 99.9%-positive) baby girl, now many weeks into her life inside my best friend and partner who travelled with me at warp speed until we were light years ahead of the life we knew previously.

There's a quote to which I refer in the blog linked above that I keep coming back to. I would imagine that I will come back to it often as it seems to be one of life's greatest challenges. Here it is:

"Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else." (p19) The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz

There has been a lot over the last few months that could make me afraid of being myself. There has been a lot that has not satisfied other people's points of views. Yet, I am enjoying the present more than I ever have. I feel peace in a match custom-tailored for what I believe and want in life. I feel love flowing deeply through my writing, family and work.

With it being many weeks in and all, I'm taking comfort in the fact that it is natural -- at least according to authors Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash -- that I am a little introverted right now. I am contemplating the full effect of fatherhood. I am experiencing the sonograms and hearing the heartbeats and thinking about whether or not I'm going to be a good father. Whether I have enough love, knowledge and leadership. I am feeling this at the same time the news of this pregnancy is reaching the wider circles of my friends. Some of whom won't agree with my life's choices. Some of whom may think it irresponsible. Some of whom might wonder if I know what I'm getting myself into.

Mostly what I feel right now is at any given moment I could break down and cry. Not cry, weep. I feel emotional, yet stable. My emotion is pathetic with utter awe at how beautiful, precious and lucky life can be. There's a lot to be "preoccupied with" in my "own thoughts" as I find myself reflecting again tonight, now at 1:19am, on all of this and noticing once again the first post of this blog. However, it's the first comment on it this time that speaks volumes to me.

Me being myself has brought me a surprise -- one that I did not plan, but one that is welcomed with open arms. Maybe being myself causes some ripples and raises some feathers, but I can't stop thinking about how insignificant that is in the face of there only being one life you get to live. I can't wait to talk about it with Grace.

SYSTEMS

2009-08-20T23:31:00.003-04:00

One can either do a task to get to the next thing or he can do a task in anticipation that he may have to do that task again. One can either have the mentality of shortcuts or thoroughness. One can either give someone a fish to feed a person for a day or teach someone to fish to feed him for a lifetime.

I am of the mindset that any task should be thought through thoroughly the first time it is done so that it doesn't take as long the next time. If you do the dishes and pay no attention to how you perform the task, then it may take 30 minutes. But if you notice that putting the soap to the right of the sink, the scrub brush to the side and the dirty dishes all to the left can save you 5 minutes, I say do it. I say look for those 5 minutes. Not only because at the end of the day you get to say you can get it done more efficiently, but because I think it's fun to look for those places to tighten. Don't just do the task, build the system. Build a system, and you will do tasks faster and better. Then, keep tweaking the system so that it can keep improving.

My job has been all-consumed by one project that is basically setting up how to sell tickets to theatre. There have been long phone calls with tech reps, much time spent reading manuals, and lots of trials and errors -- not to mention some worrying about whether it's actually all going to get done in time. At times I thought, maybe we should just take a short cut and try to "get by" this time with what we know and learn how to do it right later. But no.... we've kept plowing through. knowing the consolation prize is coming... the light at the end of the tunnel.... knowing that we're going to be able to hit "go" at the end of it and everything will work. Tickets will be processed flawlessly. Those tickets will filter into reports customized to give me the data I want. Next time there's a show, I will be able to do it with 10% of the effort. And best of all, time will be freed up because of the system to do other productive things.

It's a check and balance on myself that I like. That I feel makes me always want to be a better person. It's why I get so excited about learning a new formula in Excel or figuring out a better way to sort the books on a shelf. I just think that continually striving towards the best you can do leads to rewards beyond "the next thing." Maybe looking for the best system is part of the key to getting there.

IN TOUCH

2009-08-20T00:08:00.003-04:00

Keeping in touch has always been an obstacle for me. It doesn't come natural. If I don't see you over the course of my day, it's not that I don't think about you, it's just that I don't contact you.

This sort of trait has its drawbacks surely. It dates back as long as I can remember for me. I don't know -- I just feel silly contacting someone for no reason. To talk about nothing. Or even to talk about myself. I like catching up when there's something going on in a friends life, but not when something's going on in my own.

Beyond that though, there's a small social anxiety attached to this that I've always had. Once I do get "in touch" with someone from high school, a friend I haven't seen in a while or even a friend I do see often, I am usually very glad that I made the effort, but no matter how many years have passed, making that effort always requires me to overcome some nervousness. Hence, the obstacle. About being judged as uninteresting or nerdy or annoying or unprofessional or stupid or uncool or whatever. Saying them outloud helps put them in perspective. Do I think these things about myself really? No. Is the nervousness more important than getting in touch? No. And then I overcome it. Once overcome, I am able to appreciate the "human" part of the human experience again.

Even though I would say that there's also a feeling of never having enough time that makes me feel like getting in touch with people is tough to do, this ultimately is sometimes a cover.

What I find interesting though is the amount of counter-judging that takes place. If someone is out of touch for a while for whatever reason, many people will judge that person as un-caring, perhaps even rude. As indifferent. As changed. Perhaps even unworthy of continued friendship.

One of my favorite relationships is my relationship with my brother -- Sometimes we talk often, but sometimes there are weeks that go by where we don't talk because of living in different states or having busy schedules. When we do get in touch with each other, however, there's no judging about not having called or emailed or texted. Just a genuine interest in how the other person is doing. I'm being me. He's being him. And that's as human as it gets. Our appreciation for our relationship and each other is allowed to come through as strongly as possible because of it in every interaction.

As I ponder all of this tonight because i feel slightly out of touch with friends due the natural adjustments of some drastic life changes, I hope to find more peace in relationships like I have with my brother. Including my relationship with this blog. Blog, it's been a while, but I miss you. Love you. And can't wait to continue exploring our friendship.

GOD

2009-06-17T03:36:00.002-04:00

In the end, I think it comes down to a very simple thought: that God chooses what you see in this world, but you choose what you think and therefore control your actions. In that, I think I may officially admit that I believe in God. Weird.

LAUNCH WEBSITE. CHECK.

2009-06-14T15:20:00.002-04:00

It’s been 4 years since I first acquired www.jonathankwaller.com and after much research, learning, designing, planning, and procrastinating I have finally figured out how to realistically create and update a website! Whoo-hoo! If you ever wanted to know something about me or know what I’m thinking on a specific day or listen to a song I wrote or even just catch up on the latest news, this is where you can do it. I know, I know... now your life is complete.

(Did I mention I love macs?)

FLY

2009-06-09T23:12:00.003-04:00

My new favorite quote from "You and Me" on the revitalized Dave Matthews Band new album, Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King:

"And when the kids are old enough, we're gonna teach them to fly."

Watch this, it's great.

SHAFRIKA!

2009-05-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

STAR TREK

2009-05-27T22:45:00.006-04:00

I had the pleasure of seeing the remake of Star Trek twice over this last month and it seems I have been using it recently to provide metaphors for my life -- both to others and myself.

Two examples:

1) I have recently described the events that are occurring in my life as occurring at warp speed. Where I feel like I am moving through plot points very quickly and simultaneously.

2) I believe that since I am moving at warp speed, it is difficult to keep my close friends and family abreast of all the updates and rationale behind updates. Therefore, I feel like I am lightyears ahead of everyone.

This morning before I left for work, I was pulling on my socks and my foot ripped through, creating a big hole. Five minutes later, I read an email on my iPhone saying that the roommate I was hoping would pull through wasn't going to pull through. Then, when I walked outside, it was grey and cold and I didn't bring my jacket. I said to myself, "this is going to be a bad day." As I walked in the door of my office, I thought of another Star Trek analogy. I felt my shields were down -- shields of perspective that normally help me deflect the irrationalities of life. I worried that because of this, my premonition might come true.

Sure enough, it did. A major "fire" at work happened causing anger, self doubt, confusion, and fear.

But then, I got an email from that roommate saying the apartment may actually work out now, I got support from close friends that helped me deal with the "fire" at work and I read a chapter with great perspective in a new book called The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz on the subway home that said this:

"To be alive is the biggest fear in humans. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else." (p19)

And then I began to feel my shields coming back.

Somewhere in this day is the secret to how one can actually "Live long and prosper."

ENJOY

2009-05-09T17:07:00.009-04:00

A metaphor if you will.

You're walking forward, always moving forward because you have to. Time doesn't stop. As John Mayer says, "you'll never stop this train."

But while the train is moving forward, there's your head that has to process what the never-stopping train is showing you. It's a constantly swinging pendulum of analysis processing what you've seen (past), what you're currently seeing (present) and where you're going (future). You're concerned, then happy, then worried, then excited, then sad, then angry, then scared, then ______ . Sometimes you can get lost in the analysis and forget the present and future. Sometimes you can get lost in the future and forget the past and present. But you can't get lost in the present. When you're in the present, you balance the past and future. The pendulum is at peace. You can rest and look around the views of the train and enjoy yourself. I know this, because this morning I was there -- simply enjoying myself in the present.

Now, as I'm listening to an old favorite song called "Mona Lisa" by Guster (this amazing all-male a cappella group was honored with having their arrangement of this song selected to the 2005 BOCA (Best of College A Cappella) album). With all of the hiding worries in public, all the insecurities about who we are and where we belong in this world, these lyrics struck me today as a reminder that life puts us through exactly what we need to go through to get to where we're going. We are on the train because we need to worry and feel and hurt and love and fear so that one day we realize we have the strength to enjoy our life.

"If in the morning you look up
Fake a smile and you sigh
Don’t fear the future
In the years to come you’ll learn

You'll learn
I used to sit and watch the pouring rain
I used to wish to be back home again
I hadn’t the strength then
I hadn’t the chance to reveal it
But it’s all in your hands
When do we begin?"

Whenever we want to start.

MATCH

2009-04-24T02:17:00.007-04:00

Man, the things that can rattle around in your head. Get up under your skin, make you worry and second guess. For me, liking myself seems to be one of the chief challenges in my life and it may be because I want perfection -- that my expectations for myself are so high -- that I think I can do anything if I try to, and that pressure of "anything" is excruciating sometimes -- but it has driven me often over the last few years to compound natural parts of my personality like being shy sometimes (a common thing) and feeling intimidated sometimes (another common thing) into this never-ending back-and-forth of "you're not good enough to be in this conversation," "you're not smart enough to have this job," "you're not the kind of person who can make a loving relationship work."

And recently, it's clicked.

It's not that everything goes away -- it's not that the shyness or intimidation suddenly disappears from my personality -- it's just that the bouncing back and forth quiets down. And quiets down significantly. And quiets down because you see suddenly how you are good enough to be in the conversation and have the job and make a loving relationship work. Maybe not all conversations, jobs and loving relationships, but the ones that are the right match for you.

Finding your life's "right matches" is the pathway to reconciling expectations with reality and destination with journey -- it's the way to actually being happy with yourself. Being at peace with yourself. Loving and accepting of yourself. The more you let yourself explore, the better you are at finding your match because the more criteria you have to check it against your own personality. The thought here: 1) like yourself, 2) let yourself be open to trying a match out and learning it's not a match, and finally, 3) once you discover a match, run don't walk to weave it into every part of your life cause you know how important a discovery you just made.

FORGIVE

2009-04-22T00:06:00.006-04:00

To the voices in my head who give credence to the suggestion that in "the cesspool of human waste and emotional immaturity that is New York City," mine is a "marketing-selling-your-soul job," I say: I forgive you.

"When I began my career, I found the work challenging, rewarding, and something of an ego boost. Today, the feelings are far less personal. In 1994, I was fortunate to meet and be a consultant for a remarkable man, Barney Simon, who created the most important theater in South Africa, the Market Theatre. Barney used theater to teach the world about the horrors of apartheid. Barney taught me the difference between producing art and producing change. He believed fervently that those of us who are fortunate enough to be a part of the arts world have an obligation to see past our own successes and to look to the needs of society. He made me understand that my work had less to do with putting another feather in my own cap than with making sure the world was a better place."

-Michael Kaiser, Author of The Art of the Turnaround - Creating and Maintaining Healthy Arts Organizations

LOVE

2009-04-19T02:51:00.006-04:00

What happens when love fills your heart? You see stronger connections to the people in your life. You see beauty in simple pleasures. You look forward to listening to a new song or watching a new tv show or meeting a new person or taking a trip. The key is you letting love fill your heart as much as possible and not being afraid of letting it happen -- no matter how scary it is. No matter when it happens to you. From Eat Pray Love, "So that's the final lesson, isn't it? When you set out in the world to heal yourself you inevitably end up helping... tutti (Italian for everyone)." Yes. It is. Love heals you when you need healing and inevitably ends up helping everyone. Put love in your heart, approach life with love, and it will pay itself forward.

TIL I CAN STAND ON THE WATER

2009-04-15T01:46:00.006-04:00

Premature happiness is a surreal feeling. With the current state of things in my life, my premature happiness and the premature happiness of the person who I must come to terms with makes me feel unsettled. I feel like I'm in the nether-land or something -- a nether-land where you get in trouble for being happy before it's your time to feel happy; where when I feel peace about things, I'm zapped by guilt or conscience so as to prevent me from being there quite yet. Weird?

I've been using this metaphor of water skiing... When you're in the water waiting for the boat to start, everything is calm, but there's this anticipation and patience that you have to have while you're crouching in the "ready position" waiting. I've been in that position for too long and now I have finally moved past it, but....

Then, when the boat starts, water is spraying in your face, you're holding on for dear life so that the boat in front of you can pull you out of the turbulence and on top of the water. Finally, when you're ready, you try and stand up. You stand on top of the water. And you are riding in the smooth wake of the boat in front of you. It takes little work to navigate over the wake into the rougher water and then back to the comfort of the smooth wake. Once you're up and out of the spray, it's an adventure. Fun even. You can wave at the people in the boat. You can adjust your swimming trunks. You can look around at the shore, bend down and touch the water, or put the handle bar in your teeth if you want to live dangerously. But you can choose. You have the freedom to choose your fun adventure.

The metaphor seems fitting right now because I feel like I am in the middle of getting water sprayed in my face and standing on top of it. I've stood on top this weekend and then gone back to the turbulence tonight. I imagine that I will continue oscillating between these two places until eventually, I'll feel ready, and I'll stand on top of the water. I'll look around. And choose the adventure that I want to take. And I'll have fun. I'll be able to look around and enjoy myself.

Really though, I can't wait.

COMFORT

2009-04-14T00:56:00.008-04:00

Home should be a comfort. It should be where you return and recharge your battery. If you think about it like that -- like a phone or something -- then, you realize that home is something that you might be able to take with you. I will always feel at home in my parents house in MD, but I can also feel at home under the right conditions anywhere -- just like one can take a cell phone charger away from their childhood home and still be able to have a phone battery in a week.

I have noticed that it is a combination of things that make me feel "home." One is smell. I love candles, specifically in the cinnamon or pumpkin spice variety. I love warm colors like burgundy, burnt orange, hunter green, and seeing those colors next to dark stained wood. I love having electronic equipment logically hooked up so that cords look clean and not tangled. I love lamps. I love seeing books. I love cozy arrangements of furniture (what some might call 'cluttered'). And I love good systems like an orderly closet, a series of labeled files, logical placements of recording equipment and office supplies. Even though those systems might not always be maintained perfectly, I take comfort in knowing that there is something to work back towards when they fall into disarray. But most importantly, I love feeling all the possibilities of communication methods -- whether face-to-face, phone, text, email, IM, thoughts, music, candles or other -- that can connect me to my friends and family emotionally, spiritually or practically.

This all might seem like I have OCD or something -- who knows, maybe I do -- but sitting in a new room of my apartment and feeling a new sense of home is comforting and comfortable. It's also reassuring to know that even in the same apartment, new beginnings and perspectives are possible. Home is always with you if you want it to be and if you give yourself the tools to make it work. And tonight, my home has recharged me -- just like it should.

Hooray for tomorrow!

RENEWAL

2009-04-13T00:34:00.004-04:00

It's safe to say that Easter has never resonated within me as much as it has this year and for someone like me who reads into the meaning of things, looking back, today was a whopper.

After sharing a particularly spiritual experience at church with close friends who came to support, re-visiting after a year a part of the city where I once lived that represents an important and relevant time in my life, enjoying an easy-paced day of home-cooked food and wine with friends, and speaking honestly with someone who understands me completely -- I feel at peace with the journey ahead and confident that greater peace is still to come.

Easter is about renewal -- recognizing it in your own life and loving how beautiful the process can be.

TIMELY

2009-04-11T02:17:00.008-04:00

My fortune at The Cottage - the great $7.95 chinese food lunch special place across the street from my office - the other day was "Over-prepare and then go with the flow."

And really, I do know that sometimes the flow sucks, but when you know that you're prepared to deal with what's to come, it is a constant, and wonderful reminder of how precious life is and how it cannot be wasted. Not one day of it.

A timely message with Good Friday, Easter Vigil, and Easter Sunday this weekend.

I'm looking forward to thinking about it in the days to come.

ANGER

2009-04-10T01:03:00.006-04:00

One of the things that I try more than anything to control is anger. Showing it, acting on it, provoking it, or giving attention to it. I had a relationship once with someone who I would characterize as an "angry" person - whose first emotion was rage; whose first communication after a disagreement was a raised voice and a heated argument. After a while, I found myself having trouble giving attention (or power) to it and I developed this ability to listen, channel, and respond as if I hadn't noticed the tone with which I was just addressed. This of course made her more angry because how could I not care about "insert whatever it was she was yelling about."

The problem with anger - and when it gets the better of me, I learn this every time - is that you tend to say things that you can't take back. Things that aren't quite thought through. And you are motivated by hate instead of love and understanding. Why is it that so many feel the need to push someone else's - especially a loved one's - face into the ground, piss on it, and then smoosh it around to make themselves feel better? The only thing anger does is create more anger. Hate creates more hate. And the thing that you're hoping makes you feel better after you've had your angry rant - the "if I can just get it off my chest so I can move on" mentality - can lead you down a dangerous road of things that can never be unsaid.

So, choose your anger wisely. You ALWAYS have the choice.

FRIENDS

2009-04-06T22:50:00.003-04:00

Another day, another emotional process to go through in the wake of my recent life decisions... another John Mayer song to frame why I appreciate the people in my life. And why I am able to continually have faith that things will be brighter tomorrow.

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

TOUGH

2009-04-05T17:33:00.008-04:00

Why is it that a little show like Friday Night Lights is so good at reminding me of what I want in life. The values I want to uphold. Why the dreams I define for myself are so important to pursue and believe in. Why the right thing is normally the hard thing and as Buddy Garrity so eloquently explains in last week's episode Underdogs, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

And this from Tyra - the blond bombshell who's trying desperately to make something of her life despite all of the obstacles to the contrary. All episode, she has been trying to write an effective college essay, but is unable to until her good friend (and love), Landry, pulls the essay out of her. She reads it out loud:

Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere in first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up to be generous and big-hearted -- the way that people have been with me. I want an interesting surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them.

It's important to remember things like this about yourself every now and then.

FAMILY

2009-04-04T17:13:00.007-04:00

Family's a gift

Family can lift

Together

The weight of the world

LESSON

2009-04-03T12:38:00.004-04:00

I argued with a friend of mine a while ago about John Mayer being the voice of our generation - maybe not the person that everyone listens to for perspective, but one who I believe is able to point out truths in life. This one's for later:

He broke my heart
And now it's raining just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright, It's alright, It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned, so I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes, some lies
Can take a minute to fully realize
His tears, your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned, so I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned, so I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

PLAN

2009-03-26T22:34:00.002-04:00

One of the hardest things about my job is: the plan. not coming up with the plan or executing the plan, but getting the plan approved. I'm not quite sure why it has to be the hardest part of my job, but I guess it could be worse. It could be worse if I couldn't make the approved plan work. Or even worse if I didn't know what to do in the first place. But still... pretty frustrating when there's a plan that can't move forward for days or weeks. Draining emotionally. In an emotional time. In a time when I really want things to be a little easier.

SCURVE AWAY

2009-03-24T11:34:00.002-04:00

"People moving all the time

Inside a perfectly straight line

Don't you wanna

Scurve away

Cause it's such

It's such a perfect day."

-Strawberry Swing, by Coldplay

THE SCRABBLE TEST

2009-03-02T22:37:00.003-05:00

The subway ride into work takes about 35 minutes and in that time, I can usually play 2 or three games of Scrabble on my iPhone. A quick sidebar here, I would like to praise Hasbro for creating such a fine game and then adapting for the iPhone's touch screen, which I believe is it's ideal form. Really the only bad thing about it is that when it starts up, it plays an unavoidable intro song that cannot be muted or adjusted - making it very hard to discreetly start playing in quiet situations.

Anyway, I bring all of this up to say that on the subway ride in, I can usually tell how productive the day is going to be based on how I perform during the game. Frequently I win by over 50 points. Today, I won 2 games by 150 points. And it was a very productive day.

But I'm not superstitious.

FORWARD

2009-03-01T23:15:00.003-05:00

I think self destructive behavior is so interesting. Sometimes you just want to punish yourself. Push yourself to a limit. It doesn't really seem like the healthiest thing to do, but when you do have one of those nights where you have one too many shots or stay up a little too late to "just get it right," sometimes you wake up the next morning with a new perspective that gives you what you need to make your situation better. So the thing that pushed you to be self destructive ends up making you whole again. It's like shedding a skin. Like a snake. Something that every now and then is exactly what we need to move forward.

INSPIRATION

2009-02-28T21:17:00.004-05:00

It could be the smell of something from your childhood or a good pen. It could be the lighting in the room or even a good quote you find on the internet. But inspiration.... one should never underestimate it, no matter where it comes from. Inspiration is a spirit - a third party, an army, a friend, a leader - that can move mountains and change minds, especially your own.

GENTLEMEN

2009-02-21T13:28:00.002-05:00

Saw this gentleman last night at Radio City Music Hall and not since Boyz II Men has there been such a breath of fresh air in the R&B world. He writes songs for Rihanna, Beyonce, and Jennifer Hudson and unlike other songsters (like Babyface), he saves some of the best songs for himself. And he rocks them with charm, skill and suavity.

Maybe this year will be the year of the gentleman.

If you don't know anything about him watch this and read this. And then buy his album in support.

Fun fact: he's in Stomp the Yard.

YAY LEARNING

2009-01-31T21:07:00.003-05:00

I love learning. And don't call me a dork.

What will I do this Saturday night? I will watch 4 hours of tutorials on Logic recording software from HowAudio.com. Between that and lynda.com whose slogan is literally "All-you-can-learn" with 35,000 video tutorials on every software imaginable, you could learn anything in the world. You buy a month membership and watch as many tutorials as you want. I LOVE tutorials. Almost as much as I love self-help books.

If every Saturday night, I could do this for a different thing, I would be the smartest person in the world.

SETTLERS

2009-01-25T22:36:00.003-05:00

I was introduced to a new board game this weekend that is a mix between Monopoly and Risk (which I've never played). It's called The Settlers of Catan and it's fascinating.

Saturday, Mom, Dad, Brother and I sat down in front of a crackling fire to play this game over a glass or two of scotch. This really is the definition of a good night for me nowadays: good company, good game, good drink and a warm fire.

I recommend all of the above for anyone looking for a good evening.

JUMP

2009-01-22T22:47:00.004-05:00

"What does it mean to take risks? Does it mean being frivolous? Careless? When we take a risk, does it mean that we have to have thought everything through or is there an unknown aspect of "cliff-jumping" that is implicit?

Like everything in life, there is a balance. And the game is finding that balance for each specific risk.

But I think that there are those people who are natural risk takers and those who aren't. There are those who will stand on the edge of a cliff and even though they are surprised to find themselves there - even though they had only a brief amount of time to let the fact that they were approaching a cliff decision settle in their mind - those people will will jump. Jump and figure it out. Jump and fall and learn. Jump and fall and fly. Jump and fall and feel satisfied that they jumped at all.

Whether I'm one of those people, I try to be. When I forget I have the courage to jump, I can always seem to find a way back to it. Tonight, it was this:

"I have, let's say, sixty years to live. Most of that time will be spent working. I've chosen the work I want to do. If I find no joy in it, then I'm only condemning myself to sixty years of torture. And I can find the joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me. But the best is a matter of standards - and I set my own standards. I inherit nothing. I stand at the end of no tradition. I may, perhaps stand at the beginning of one."

-from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, a character named Howard Roark,

GOLD

2009-01-08T21:12:00.002-05:00

Most people like "Seven" or "Little Red Corvette" or "Purple Rain," but I think my favorite Prince song is a little song no one knows called "Gold" from the album that brought us the classic "The most beautiful girl in the world" (which I also love).

From time to time, I remember it and try to look it up to download, but iTunes doesn't sell it as a single and I googled it and found:

The lame video

The analysis on Wikipedia that begins with this:

"Gold" is a song by Prince (his stage name at that time being an unpronounceable symbol) from his 1995 album The Gold Experience. Obviously proud of the number, Prince was touting the song as the next "Purple Rain" to reporters before the album's release. Indeed, the song is quite anthemic, though it lacks the singalong chorus of "Purple Rain". It is also much more synth-based as opposed to the dominant guitar of "Purple Rain". A rousing guitar solo ispresent in "Gold", but much later in the mix. Another difference between the songs is that "Purple Rain" was recorded live (and later edited in the studio) while "Gold" is a studio creation from the get-go, featuring Prince's multi-layered vocals. The lyrics proclaim "all that glitters ain't gold", instructing the listener to look beneath the surface and not take everything at face value.

But in it, are these interesting pearls of wisdom for a week like this:

Everybody wants 2 sell what's already been sold
Everybody wants 2 tell what's already been told
What's the use of money if U ain't gonna break the mold?
Even at the center of fire there is cold
All that glitters ain't gold
All that glitters ain't gold

Thanks Prince!

BOOTSTRAPS

2009-01-04T02:56:00.002-05:00

When I was in middle school, I did this weird thing. I would be at lunch, and I would all of a sudden get this surge of energy and in front of a table of 10 students begin to hop up and down on my rear-end. To the outside world, I guess it looked like I was nuts, but I just had had too much sugar. So much that I would hop up and down on my butt.

Well, I don't do that anymore. Mostly because, as I learned in 7th grade, it's not cool to do weird things like that. People will think you're abnormal. But mostly because my energy fits are more spread out now. However, not altogether extinct.

Tonight, at 3am, I find myself sitting in m living room alone watching a West Wing I've already seen, working on my budget. I am not finished my budget work, but somehow, the "good stopping point" on which I have arrived at this late hour has brought on an energy fit similar to that witnessed at the middle school lunch table.

I'm not high on caffeine or anything else - in fact, I should probably be ready for bed - I'm just experiencing the un-cool, yet profoundly "Jon" thing about being me. I get excited when I know the "T's" have been crossed. I feel energized by knowing I know how my money is being spent. Better yet, I feel energized by knowing I can control my spending by looking and analyzing the trends of my past. I feel a sense of accomplishment. Of pride. Pride in discipline. Pride in achievement. I feel like if I'm able to do this, then I can do anything.

And in a world where one day we can feel completely hopeless, useless, and tired, it's worth doing these un-cool, weird, and arguably anal things so that we can utilize anything in our arsenal that may lift us up by our bootstraps if we so wish to be lifted.

TOP 10: HOLIDAY PARTY

2008-12-13T10:34:00.003-05:00

Top 5 Reasons to throw a holiday party.

5. An excuse to make Jello shots

4. You actually feel motivated to clean your house

3. We get to dress the dog in ridiculous holiday attire

2. Leftovers!

and the number 1 reason is...

1. It brings all your friends together and puts them in one place: your place!

Happy holidays to everyone.

MORNING TIME

2008-11-24T23:04:00.002-05:00

I woke up early this morning and brewed a pot of coffee. The time was 7am. Really.

I don't normally do this and my goal is to continue the trend until the musical - which has 70 pages now of revised beauty - is lyrically and musically "tweaked."

I will say that morning is not overrated. There's a real calm to it. Especially when you choose to wake up and you choose to have that time to yourself. It's very freeing. I'm excited to explore where this new morning time takes me.

POTENTIAL

2008-11-23T22:45:00.003-05:00

I don't think there's anything I find more beautiful than potential. It engages the imagination and demands that we hope - hope that the potential we see will one day become real.

This morning, I spent a lot of time thinking about potential. My potential. I believe that i show potential in my life in a number of areas, but despite its beauty and hope-inducing appeal, it leaves one - me in particular - feeling a little empty. Because at the end of the day, potential is a glass with just a little bit of liquid in it. A mountain that's just begun to be climbed. A road that just begun to be journeyed.

I find myself very eager to realize my potential. Turn it into something actual. Something quantifiable. Something that cannot be disputed. I want to be down the road already with the experience of someone ten years older than I, but I know that it's the journey that's the most important.

So like everything else it seems in life, patience is required. It takes patience for potential to ripen.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family and the patience that they - my father in particular - have instilled in me. The frustration I felt this morning was frustration that somehow my family might say something like "Well he had a lot of potential, but nothing ever came of it."

I don't think anyone's actually sitting around saying that. Other than me. My internal motivator, boss, father, ass-kicker. I am thankful that I have potential in something. I am thankful that I can go home to MD for the weekend, spend some time with these demons and come away feeling loved and hopeful. Hopeful that I just need a little patience. Hopeful that my family believes in me and loves me.

It's a good end to a wonderful weekend that had lots of potential. It was realized. I have faith that I, one day, will find that same realization.

If any of that makes any sense.

24 MEASURES

2008-11-11T23:30:00.000-05:00

I have spent a couple hours at this point crafting the orchestrations of the first 24 measures of A SUPERHERO. I’m using it as a recording exercise in my new recording program LOGIC (which is the best program EVER!).

I have probably spend too much time, but once you get into something, it’s so fun just to live in it a little. For instance, I did one version with the lead as the piano. Walked around with it all day came back to it and changed it to a harp. Then I walked around with that tonight as I waked Spring, and it adds a completely different layer that I wouldn’t have though of. Harps carry the overtones of the heavens and majesty. Whereas the piano seems like just another instrument. This is always fascinating to me.

Needless to say, I chose the harp. Yay to getting into 24 measures and finding new things on every listen!

CAN

2008-11-05T09:34:00.000-05:00

Yes.

We can.

VILLAIN

2008-11-03T23:22:00.004-05:00

From time to time, I am flooded with pessimism. I know, I know. "You?" you say. But it's true. Serious pessimism about everything. To combat this (as everything worthwhile in life can relate back to superheroes, right?) I am creating A SUPERHERO everyday's alter ego - arch nemesis if you will - called A VILLAIN everyday. For those who saw [tos], dare I say, a place to fight the vampires. This post will be the first post there and it will only be written when there is a vampire flying around that needs taking care of.

You can't make them never show up, but you can do everything you can to beat 'em.

FIGURING

2008-10-26T23:19:00.002-04:00

A day of figuring out my life. One spent finishing the consolidation of my music library with my wife's on our new iMac. Completing the migration of files from the old PC. Taking the PC to the basement, then vacuuming the carpet in our office and putting away the stray papers lying about.

It was nice to finish and all of a sudden see the home office look like a streamlined, functional, productive place of work. A place where Magic (with a capital "M") might just happen.

Ignoring many things, the least of which being a MIDI connection to fiddle with and an audio thing to work on... oh and a budget that just seems hopeless. But another day...

The "figuring" led me to a new song though. I guess that's what happens. "Figuring" leads you to discovery. So, I recommend a purchase... at the very least a listen.

RECESSION

2008-10-21T00:11:00.007-04:00

I did not blog last week really. I did get to bed sooner. I did still think about what I would have blogged about as I walked Spring, I just didn't write it. I didn't have it in me for some reason. Weird for me.

I have been slowly climbing out of a mental "recession" - one where I am unable to motivate myself towards the premises of this blog (A superhero musical coming to Broadway and proving true love exists) and more. I can think of a bunch of reasons why, but that's not the point. The point is that even though I know that sometimes it's important to go through this - important to feel the bad so that you may appreciate the good - I find I don't really let myself be okay with it. I apply the pressure to myself that makes me feel lazy or unsuccessful or out of my league and it makes me feel worse. I can't figure out why I have trouble NOT applying this pressure. Especially when I know it distracts me from the work, theatre, love, family, and everything else.

A colleague told me today that I was totally justified in being distracted - which was nice to hear. But that person went on to say that I was doing real good in my job and that he felt that he was a part of something. That despite the long hours, the work made him feel satisfied. He said that my spirit and instincts were contributing to that feeling for him and that everyone in the office seemed to feel similarly.

In that moment - a moment that this person did not know was such an internal moment for me - I felt relieved, hopeful, justified, worthwhile. I felt gratitude and love that this person was willing to express this wonderful compliment about my involvement in the company. Then as I do, I felt bad that I wasn't able to show in that moment or express equally in the moments afterwards, how much it meant to me. This made me feel stressed, anxious, worthless. Like a bad friend.

What I think though hours later is that it's okay I didn't. That love and appreciation will come back around as Justin Timberlake says. Life is not a series of immediate business transactions: Give and get back immediately. Things have a way of working themselves out. Like this... my mental "Recession."... and showing my true appreciation of this colleague. It will all work out in the end. The best one can do is have faith that it will and be patient for it to happen.

----

p.s. A Superhero - which was a semi finalist this year at the NAMT Festival of New Musicals - is showcased in the NAMT songwriters showcase tomorrow in front of lots of producers. Wish us luck!!

PERSONAL DAYS

2008-10-09T23:39:00.002-04:00

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling more of the same fatigue, lack of motivation and sluggishness that I've been feeling all week. I went to the shower that is in desperate need of Drano, got dressed, checked email - realizing that I had to email 4 or 5 people from my personal account... realizing I didn't have time to do that - then I grabbed my keys and walked to the subway where I tried to think about the mountain of work I had to do when I got to my office.

And I said to myself, "Self, you need a day off."

I went through the whole day feeling slightly relieved. I am writing this now with a sense of relaxation. I will wake up tomorrow excited to have 4 days of rest.

And I actually believe that I will walk in Tuesday morning fresh and ready to tackle a new wave of tasks in the Marketing Dept.

Yay for the personal day.

PLAYBILL

2008-10-08T00:35:00.001-04:00

ON PLAYBILL OCTOBER 7, 2008:

"A Superhero and Adam Lives Set for NAMT Showcase; Festival Casting Complete"

GOT YOUR BACK

2008-10-08T00:06:00.003-04:00

At the end of the day, the people we find the most trustworthy or friendly or loving or honorable or professional are the ones who when needed got your back.

It seems to be the thing we respect the most. Watch the presidential campaign. Obama and McCain are simply promising whose back they've got.

At work, the morale and productivity seems to thrive when we feel like everyone's on the same team. When we all feel like our colleague has our back or we feel like we're all in the same boat working towards the common goal, we're more motivated to succeed.

With friends who've got your back, you feel you can be yourself.

At home, your family or spouse has your back and has the ability to make you stand up to the world. Support you. Love you.

In essence, it's the greatest power we have: the ability to make one believe we have their back. Once we're convinced, it's one of the strongest bonds we have. One of the only lines I really know (and love) from the Bible is this: "Greater love hath no man than this. That a man lay down his life for his friend."

In the end, that's what love is about. Get your brother's back. In such a political season, though, you can see why we become so cynical. This great treasure can be used for great deceit. Promise to get your back when you won't. Eight years of deceit. Promises. Getting our back and tough talk. It's a little exciting and kind of surreal to think that yesterday I actually leaned over to my wife and said, I think it might be over.

I actually think McCain might be done. The empty political promises are actually not working this time. This time, the guy who actually wants to get our back might win. I can't wait to live in that world.

FALL

2008-10-06T20:32:00.004-04:00

As I was walking home tonight, it smelled like fall. I'm a "smell" guy, so that's how I know if the seasons change. Slightly chilly smells like something. It's a smell that makes you want to sit by a fire or crawl under a blanket. The smell of fall - especially at dusk - is the smell that immediately makes me think of the opposite: i.e. the warmth of inside. It makes me appreciate the indoors of "home" much more. The lamps. The smell of food. The comforter on the bed. The hug from a loving wife. It's nice to feel fall today. I wasn't really looking forward to it - does anyone actually look forward to fall? - but I'm glad it's here.

"C.H.A.N.G.E. -- COME HELP A N----R GET ELECTED."

2008-10-04T12:42:00.005-04:00

I was actually surprised to find that this phrase was put on the white board by a 7th grade civics teacher in Marianna, Fl.

This is obviously racist. Obviously horribly wrong to be used in a classroom. Maybe a "joke," but one that carries with it the undercurrent of dividing racist sentiment still prevalent in this country.

But this statement is a good headline that brings into focus a problem that effects members of my family who live in closed off neighborhoods in rural towns. This issue might be unspoken in the national airwaves, but all accross America - especially in middle America - we're forcing old dogs to make a new decision.

Watch this video, it's an argument on this issue from a Pennsylvania factory worker, who after talking to a politically active elderly woman about her vote this November, finally decided he couldn't stay silent any longer in his small home town.

ONE PERSON

2008-10-01T00:12:00.004-04:00

Well at least one person liked it.

Ben Brantley of The New York Times writes: "The Fates 3, the voluptuous trio that sings a mean backup to daily events in a place called the House of Light, say that “Vogue is the official language” of their world. But though the poses of high fashion figure flamboyantly here, this pronouncement doesn’t begin to do justice to the richness of the lingo spoken by the characters in “Wig Out!,” the new play by the astonishing young dramatist Tarell Alvin McCraney, which opened on Tuesday night at the Vineyard Theater.

The outcasts in this gutsy, pulsing portrait of uptown drag queens and the men who love them have reinvented the world from the ground up — no, make that from the Garden of Eden onward. These are people with their own heroic guiding myths — of creation, nation and divinity — and their own intricate and inviolable rules for what constitutes a home, a family and a sexual identity..."

"Though its centerpiece is a competitive drag ball, and it features the expected extravagant clothes and lip-synching routines, “Wig Out!” is not a cross-dressing revue or comedy of the sort familiar to downtown audiences. Instead it is a thorough and original anatomy of an alternative universe..."

iPHONE-A-RIFFIC!

2008-09-30T00:27:00.003-04:00

Wow. This really is going to change things.

You gotch'yer calendar, yer email. You gotch'yer music and yer internet. Hangman and car racin'. Textin' and a phone. I can watch ma YouTube on the subway.

I heart apple.

Thanks Pinky.

OPENING

2008-09-29T01:27:00.002-04:00

There was dancing, there was singing. There was not enough food, but there was plenty of drink. There was football and there were drag queens. There was laughter and fun and applause. Bitches, there's a good show out there right now and there is a limited amount of time to see it. All I'm saying is that opening went smoothly. The people who needed to like it liked it. And the people who you thought might not have liked it, liked it. AND! The people you didn't know would step up to the plate to offer some extra help, are offering extra help. It might be a hit, it might not be, but 3 days before reviews hit, I'm feeling pretty damn optimistic about a show that has experienced nothing but birthing pains. All I'm saying is that you better get tickets before they're gone.

Get 'em.

FILL IN THE BLANKS

2008-09-28T01:07:00.003-04:00

The broader things you want to support are never the things that you're able to sustain. There are the principles you believe in. There are the fundamentals you support. And there are the parts of the world that you want to endorse. Yet, you find yourself unable to be a part of the things that you really want to promote because you spread yourself too thin. You spread your message too wide. You say: come see WIG OUT! a play about drag houses and you don't understand that WIG OUT! makes you unable to...

fill in the blanks.

WHAT A WEEK

2008-09-27T01:04:00.002-04:00

What a week. Really.

New $700 billion loans. New book club. New ads in HX magazine. New myspace edits. New political stunts. New red carpet.

All leading up to a new play opening off broadway on the new week.

WIG OUT! everyone. WIG OUT!

A DOG STORY FROM A FRIEND

2008-09-26T00:13:00.003-04:00

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. She was born with 3 legs - 2 healthy hind legs and 1 abnormal front leg which needed to be amputated. She of course could not walk when she was born. Even her mother did not want her.

Her first owner also did not think that he can survive. Therefore, he was thinking of 'putting her to sleep'. By this time, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met her and wanted to take care of her. She is determined to teach and train this dog to walk by herself. Therefore she named her 'Faith'.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfing board to let her feel the movements. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for her to stand up and jump around. Even the other dog at home also helped to encourage her to walk. Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on her 2 hind legs and jumped to move forward. After further training in the snow, she now can walk like a human being.

Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where she goes, she just attracts all the people around her. She is now becoming famous on the international scene and has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows. There is even one book entitled 'With a little Faith' being published about her. She was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

Her present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take her around the world to preach that 'even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul'.

In life there are always undesirable things. Perhaps one will feel better if one changes the point of view from another direction.

INSIGNIFICANT

2008-09-23T23:15:00.002-04:00

When I started today, I got halfway to the subway and realized I had forgotten my phone. I was running late enough that I couldn't go back.

This is the first sign that I know a day is not going to go well.

Now, today was not a "bad" day, just a day where I felt a lack of confidence in my job performance, life pursuits, and friendships. I have them every now and then. It started with an event on Monday afternoon where I felt insignificant. I felt "young." It was completely my own psycological making, but I left this event feeling like one of the kids who's allowed to play with the adults. Slowly throughout last night and then into this morning, I began to feel like I didn't belong. Then I forgot my phone. Then I thought of the laundry list of things to do at work. Then I lost the confidence to accomplish those ambitious tasks I had envisioned myself doing (when I had confidence).

When I got home today, I felt my confidence returning. Perhaps it was the excitement of coming home to my wife. Maybe it was the knowledge that the day was over. Maybe it was because I was able to sit down on the train... something that is getting increasingly harder. Whatever the reason, during my walk with Spring tonight, I felt a new wave of energy and a re-newed sense of confidence for the ambitious plans I have set forth for myself. And I feel like I've learned in my life that there must be these days. I have to feel insignificant. I have to see that there's more to learn - otherwise, what will make me continue to want to grow?

So, thanks. Thanks for a "bad" day and feeling insignificant. You just made me stronger.

WWJD?

2008-09-22T23:46:00.005-04:00

You were thinking the same thing I was. What would the fictional president from The West Wing, that everyone loves, say to Obama (who he resembles greatly in spirit and vision) about Sarah Palin, the Republican attacks, and elitism if worlds collided and they could miraculously have a conversation?

Well now you can find out. Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing, wrote a scene for Obama to ask: What Would Jed Do? It ran in The New York Times.

Enjoy.

BARACK OBAMA knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and OBAMA is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.

BARTLET Senator.

OBAMA Mr. President.

BARTLET You seem startled.

OBAMA I didn’t expect you to answer the door yourself.

BARTLET I didn’t expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancôme rep who thinks “The Flintstones” was based on a true story, so let’s call it even.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET Come on in.

BARTLET leads OBAMA into his study.

BARTLET That was a hell of a convention.

OBAMA Thank you, I was proud of it.

BARTLET I meant the Republicans. The Us versus Them-a-thon. As a Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don’t like small towns, God, people with jobs or America. I’ve been a little out of touch but is there a mandate that the vice president be skilled at field dressing a moose —

OBAMA Look —

BARTLET — and selling Air Force Two on eBay?

OBAMA Joke all you want, Mr. President, but it worked.

BARTLET Imagine my surprise. What can I do for you, kid?

OBAMA I’m interested in your advice.

BARTLET I can’t give it to you.

OBAMA Why not?

BARTLET I’m supporting McCain.

OBAMA Why?

BARTLET He’s promised to eradicate evil and that was always on my “to do” list.

OBAMA O.K. —

BARTLET And he’s surrounded himself, I think, with the best possible team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why, Sarah Palin just said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had “gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers.” Can you spot the error in that statement?

OBAMA Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren’t funded by taxpayers.

BARTLET Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of the time Bush said that Social Security wasn’t a government program. He was only off by a little — Social Security is the largest government program.

OBAMA I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I really could use your advice.

BARTLET Well, it seems to me your problem is a lot like the problem I had twice.

OBAMA Which was?

BARTLET A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.

OBAMA And?

BARTLET I was.

OBAMA I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET I won’t lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

OBAMA What do you mean?

BARTLET I’m a fictional president. You’re dreaming right now, Senator.

OBAMA I’m asleep?

BARTLET Yes, and you’re losing a ton of white women.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET I mean tons.

OBAMA I understand.

BARTLET I didn’t even think there were that many white women.

OBAMA I see the numbers, sir. What do they want from me?

BARTLET I’ve been married to a white woman for 40 years and I still don’t know what she wants from me.

OBAMA How did you do it?

BARTLET Well, I say I’m sorry a lot.

OBAMA I don’t mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?

BARTLET There again, I didn’t have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched “The West Wing.”

OBAMA That would make it easier.

BARTLET You’d do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old “ER” time slot with “30 Rock” as your lead-in, you’d get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share — you’d be selling $450,000 minutes.

OBAMA What the hell does that mean?

BARTLET TV talk. I thought you’d be interested.

OBAMA I’m not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I’m — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?

BARTLET Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn’t extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

OBAMA You’re saying race doesn’t have anything to do with it?

BARTLET I wouldn’t go that far. Brains made me look arrogant but they make you look uppity. Plus, if you had a black daughter —

OBAMA I have two.

BARTLET — who was 17 and pregnant and unmarried and the father was a teenager hoping to launch a rap career with “Thug Life” inked across his chest, you’d come in fifth behind Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and a ficus.

OBAMA You’re not cheering me up.

BARTLET Is that what you came here for?

OBAMA No, but it wouldn’t kill you.

BARTLET Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas show?

OBAMA Sir —

BARTLET Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there any chance you could get Michelle pregnant before the fall sweeps?

OBAMA The problem is we can’t appear angry. Bush called us the angry left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?

BARTLET Well ... let me think. ...We went to war against the wrong country, Osama bin Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of not being caught either dead or alive, my family’s less safe than it was eight years ago, we’ve lost trillions of dollars, millions of jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an entire city due to bad weather. So, you know ... I’m a little angry.

OBAMA What would you do?

BARTLET GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

OBAMA Good to get that off your chest?

BARTLET Am I keeping you from something?

OBAMA Well, it’s not as if I didn’t know all of that and it took you like 20 minutes to say.

BARTLET I know, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.

OBAMA What’s the second step?

BARTLET I don’t care.

OBAMA So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?

BARTLET No. You’re elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago you had the best week of your campaign, followed — granted, inexplicably — by the worst week of your campaign. And you’re still in a statistical dead heat. You’re a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren’t the same thing and you’re in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that’s what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.

OBAMA Wait, what is it you always used to say? When you hit a bump on the show and your people were down and frustrated? You’d give them a pep talk and then you’d always end it with something. What was it ...?

BARTLET “Break’s over.”

from The New York Times.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-09-21T22:37:00.002-04:00

A surprise from the campaign trail today as John McCain's camp takes another hit. With his newest endorsement, Barack Obama is sure to win the November 4th election with ease. The campaign skills of his newest ally are top notch. The connections and resources are unparalleled. It's only a matter of time until we begin to see the polls take this into effect.

NORMAL

2008-09-21T01:30:00.004-04:00

My wife and I had a day together. Sitting in the same room. Chatting. Listening to music. Petting Spring. Surfing the world wide web. She wrote a lot of thank you notes. I worked a lot on budget. We had grilled cheeses and diet cokes. Took Spring for a walk. We curled up on the couch to watch SNL.

Normal means a lot of different things to different people. For me, it's this. A day where the pace is set by sweatpants and the music is on shuffle. Normal is a Saturday where we sleep until we wake up - where there is nothing to really do but update your myspace page and play the new Ne-Yo, Miley Cyrus, or Jonas Brothers CD. Today was my kind of normal.

Finally, normal.

RECONNECT

2008-09-19T00:00:00.002-04:00

On the subway ride home tonight, I thought of the phrase "it's like putting on an old shoe." This is exactly my night.

For two hours - after nearly 3 months - my collaborator and I revisited our place in A SUPERHERO. We re-read notes, re-thought scenes, and got our hands dirty again now that the wedding, the new job and the Flat Stanley project have come and gone. We're back in September and not a moment too soon. We're gearing up for "Cotton Candy" (one of the songs from the show) being performed at the NAMT festival on October 20. We're gearing up for new discussions with directors and producers interested in the show after our re-write is finished. We're gearing up for finding new possibilities within the show with a renewed energy.

Tonight, we reconnected as collaborators and we reconnected to the material we've grown to love as a part of us. Like an old shoe. It's comfortable. You slide it on after awhile and remember everything. You walk around a little and take comfort in looking forward to what is ahead.

SEIZURE

2008-09-16T23:58:00.004-04:00

In my 8 years in New York, I have never had my subway stopped for a medical emergency. Then within the last week, I have had it happen twice. AND BOTH have been in the car I was in. Should I read into that? Two epileptic seizures (I only saw aftermath of it, but still)!

Needless to say, my train rides home have been longer than usual, but is there something about these trains that are making people have seizures? Along with companies collapsing, hurricanes havocing, and everything else do we really have to add a seizure outbreak to the list.

Be careful people!

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-14T22:48:00.004-04:00

GET IT?

7 of 7

To close out the week's theme, I would like to conclude with the one and only Bill O'Reilly who recently interviewed Barack Obama on his show. There is obviously a bit of aggresion in the tone of the questions and an eagerness on the part of O'Reilly to catch Obama in a "gotcha" moment. Over the course of 4 segments however (below), it becomes clear that O'Reilly is impressed by the strength and "macho-ness" of Obama. It's sad that that is the tipping point for certain demographics.

Throughout, you never get the sense that Obama is trying to skirt around an issue the way McCain and Palin are doing in recent interviews on The View and ABC news. There is a real sense of rationality that is hard to argue with. Even Bill O'Reilly had a tough time arguing the logic.

Now that's saying something.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-13T20:50:00.005-04:00

GET IT?
6 of 7

I didn't grow up on Sean Connery as Bond, I had Pierce Brosnan. Now, there will always be a special place in my heart for his characterization of the cool secret agent, but in watching part of Tomorrow Never Dies today, I realized that it was a little hokey and not nearly as intricate as Daniel Craig's take. In the CW saturday afternoon movie of Bond, Jonathan Pryce played the nemesis interested in manipulating the world to launch his media network of newspapers and TV. He wanted to control what people saw and read...

For those not paying attention to the scarier conspiracy theories, people like Rupert Murdoch - who owns FOX news and affiliates, the Wall Street Journal, and other papers - are within the realm of making the Tomorrow Never Dies scenario possible. All that is required is a little editing, a little pressure, a little intimidation and suddenly you have a slanted media conglomerate who controls what what information millions of viewers get.

Oh, it's also interesting to point out that this leans Republican.

One example of many that make you a little more than frightened that the Republican "base" isn't getting all of the information.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-13T13:57:00.002-04:00

GET IT?
5 of 7

What I said, he said better.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-10T23:42:00.004-04:00

GET IT?

4 of 7

I picked a good week to talk about the ridiculous politics of the non-Obama side. This week, as the lipstick wars rage on, one can continue to admire the restraint and precision in Barack's rebuttals to sexism charges. Things are literally being fabricated, endorsed by John McCain to millions of homes via television ads, and talked/written about for days in the news. What's truly sad is that there will be millions of Americans who don't follow politics closely - who only occasionally tune in to what's being said - who will come away from all of this and actually say things like, "yeah, I won't vote for him because he's a sexist and I don't believe that's right."

The sport of politics as opposed to the politics of change.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-09T14:54:00.003-04:00

GET IT?
3 of 7

It's not "soft on terrorism, it’s....who we are," Obama said as the crowd rose to its feet, applauding. "That’s what we’re protecting. Don’t mock the Constitution! Don’t make fun of it! Don’t suggest that it’s un-American to abide by what the founding fathers set up! It’s worked pretty well for over 200 years!

"These people!" Obama said. Read more...

Watch this.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-08T23:41:00.005-04:00

GET IT?

2 of 7

I know it's relatively easy to turn someone into a "flip-flopper," especially with the ability to take things out of context using YouTube. There's even something annoying about demonizing changing your mind. Granted, a change of mind that comes from having seen a better perspective vs. a change of mind that comes from political pressures are two very different things. Regardless, there is something eery about John McCain's assessments of the country. I'm worried that John McCain is truly this guy who is a good guy who JUST WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT!! So badly that he's willing to say things that maybe 8 years ago he wouldn't have said. Maybe if he were younger, maybe he could open his eyes to some realities around him. Instead, his reactions and comments just seem to make Obama's case that McCain just doesn't get it.

THEME OF THE WEEK

2008-09-06T18:53:00.012-04:00

Okay. We're going to keep it short, we're going to keep it concise, but this week, I am beginning a new thing on A SUPERHERO everyday. From time to time, when I feel so moved, I will call for a "Theme for the Week" and each entry that week will be - you guessed it - related to that theme. The inaugural theme of the week is:

GET IT?

1 of 7

We all have different opinions. About food, about movies, about love. About America. For me, the greatest thing about this country is the promise and belief that here, anything is possible. Here, you can be whoever you want to be. Some argue - like Howard Zinn in A People's History of the United States - that this "promise" was nothing more than a strategy for the wealthy to keep their status and money. That those who run this country and founded this country never actually intended everyone to be created equal. A slave was not equal. A woman was not equal. A poor, white, landless man was not an equal. They certainly weren't in 1776. Yet slowly through a civil war, through struggle, and hope in a brighter future, we have seen change. And the prophecy of the "promise" come closer and closer to reality.

What's frightening to me about Mr. Obama - who is the embodiment of this American "promise" and the greatest hope since JFK of it actually being fulfilled in policy-making from the top down - is that his visionary ideas are inline with those of John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Abraham Lincoln. In line with the kind of change that rarely happens without high sacrifice.

I think this election is the biggest the country has ever seen. I think this election is the moment where we as a country - as a people of 300 million, not an elite of a few thousand - actually wake up and decide whether we want to embrace the promise we've been promising for the last 232 years. And I think we will learn a lot about the character of those who oppose it when at last this change comes.

I want to be a part of a country that can prove anything is possible. And I truly hope that Obama's security through this home stretch is impenetrable to the cowards who might try the unthinkable.

Take 20 minutes and watch Obama's response to the McCain/Palin convention.

BULLIES

2008-09-04T00:13:00.005-04:00

When Rudy Giuliani was sent in to pump up the crowd at the Republican National Convention before new VP nominee Sarah Palin took the stage, he clearly was trying to do one thing: belittle his opponent. Not disagree with. Not point out differences. But belittle him.

Case in point: When his speech turned to make the argument of Obama's inexperience - a valid argument to point out - he said, "Obama was a community organizer..." He then trailed off and laughed. The entire stadium then began to laugh. His point was that Obama was not a mayor or a Governor, he was just a community organizer. Still a fair point. But the way the laughing began... the way it carried through the crowd. The look in his eyes as he said it... it was without any integrity, respect, or merit and it was embarrassing for the party and the country. I was embarrassed for the Republicans tonight.

We're not a bunch of middle schoolers on a playground. We're not a bunch of 11 year olds picking on the bookworm, but that is exactly who the republicans were tonight. We should be discouraging this type of behavior. It's cowardly. Cowards mock adversaries behind their back because they don't have the wit or intelligence or power to show real challenge face to face. They mock because that's the only thing they can do. Obama may just be a community organizer, but the Republicans tonight were just bullies. I felt like I watched a bunch of cowards pick on the little guy.

Thank God that this time, the little guy has more wit, more intelligence, more power... and more money... to bring this country to a higher level. I don't want to be embarrassed of my country.

Tonight was an outrage.

PEACEFUL

2008-09-02T23:21:00.002-04:00

One month ladies and gentlemen. One month as a married man.

I feel like I could write a novel already, but after an evening spent dining outside my wife's new Brooklyn find of a restaurant, "Pomme De Terre," I feel peaceful. Even after a stressful day that ended up with me leaving the office at almost 8pm. Looking out on an equally stressful week of late nights and deadlines... I feel peaceful. I'm going to take a wonderful dog for a walk, finish my blog, maybe check my email one more time and then crawl into bed. Ready to face another day. Ready and excited to be exactly where I am - challenges and all - tomorrow.

Maybe it's just that the iMac screen is sooooo bright, or maybe it's just that I feel optimistic for the upcoming month. I just feel different from the last weeks. No other word than peaceful.

I feel peaceful.

DANCE

2008-09-01T23:17:00.005-04:00

At the wedding reception, the groomsmen, at my request, prepared a dance to be performed at a random time during the evening so that to the average guest, it would seem as if 10 men randomly burst into dance.

I think it was achieved.

During this evening's trials in iMovie, I put this little thing together to commemorate the occasion. I'm looking forward to more escapades in iMovie and certainly more escapes in random dancing with my closest friends.

GOOD KARMA

2008-08-30T23:43:00.003-04:00

So during the honeymoon, I had the genius idea of putting a plastic bag in my swimsuit and keeping my drivers license, my wife's driver's license, our room key ("key to the world" card - which was essentially a credit card), and some cash in there. It was supposed to prevent our essentials from getting wet... What ended up happening was it fell out of my suit and into the ocean. All of our essentials.

We left the honeymoon without it.

Then, today, in a trip to MD, my wife got a letter from a random person with her ID in it. There was a note that said this person had found the bag snokeling in the ocean. Snorkeling in the ocean!

And then they mailed it back.

Good karma to that person.

AMERICAN DREAM

2008-08-29T00:16:00.005-04:00

I didn't see the speech. I had a lovely dinner date with my wife and our friends in Brooklyn.

I didn't see the speech, but I saw the reactions. When I left our friends' apartment, an African-American man - mid thirties - in the elevator looked at us with wide eyed excitement and said, "Did you see the speech?"

I didn't see the speech, but I saw the reactions on PBS's The Charlie Rose Show, where New York Times journalists, Newsweek writers, politicians, and even Charlie Rose himself were talking to each other differently. There wasn't spin. There was honesty. Excitement, even. Genuine hope that maybe there isn't a "red America or blue America, but a United States of America." And that this guy could actually deliver the America in the "American Dream."

I didn't see the speech, but I felt it through the reactions. I feel Mr. Obama might have convinced a few more people tonight that change - the unity that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of - could actually happen. Among them, the people I witnessed tonight.

It shouldn't be - but it is - amazing seeing the seasoned pundit and analyst floored by something so simple as hope. It is the one thing that if we actually give into it, can unite us and inspire us to do anything.

Good job, Mr. President.

JED BARTLET SAYS...

2008-08-27T23:52:00.004-04:00

PARADIGM SHIFT

2008-08-26T00:28:00.006-04:00

When one feels inadequate, the hope, passion, and optimism drain out of him as if it was never there to begin with. It's baffling how one can go through such extremes. Feel like you can take over the world and then ten minutes later feel like nothing you do - have done - has been good enough.

You can say to yourself, 'yes, you're just having one of those days,' but part of you wonders whether that's just how it's going to be forever.

When does hope turn into hopelessness?

There are facets of my life in which I feel completely competent - even expert. I feel my instincts guide me to good places, but I also feel like trusting my instincts is an inexact science. It hasn't proven itself entirely. Sure, my instincts have led me towards the path I want to be on, but no one can say with any certainty that the path I think I'm on leads to the end I want. That the path on which my instincts put me is the path that will ultimately take me where I want to go.

One of my biggest fears is the paradigm shift. Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Living day in and day out and suddenly realizing that everything you thought was true - everything you inspired others, perhaps, to believe is true - is just the opposite. How can anyone ever know? Some days I just feel I lose my bearings. Which is why I like looking to mentors, friends, role models. Here's one that helps me frequently:

FACE TIME

2008-08-25T00:43:00.005-04:00

I've never been good at keeping in touch. I don't know why. It's not that hard to pick up a phone. Drop an email. It's not that difficult to even write a letter. Care-packages are tougher. So are long bus rides, plane, and train rides. But still, I wish I was better at keeping in touch.

I'm not alone however. There are many who go away - like me - and don't call or write. Who I don't hear from more than once a week. Once a month. Or sometimes even more. Is this bad? Or is it just natural?

There's really nothing quite like the time you spend with someone just doing nothing. Sitting on a couch or in a park or a bar. Walking to an apartment or deli or a Starbucks. Riding on a subway or a bus or in a car. Those moments - that face time - is what keeps us close to each other. For all of the wonderful communication technology now available - between the cell phones, the wireless internet connections in coffee shops and parks - there's still nothing better than having a lunch with someone. Sitting down for a happy hour drink. Cooking someone a meal in your apartment. It's all about eye contact and silence. Being with someone. Their pauses, their tone. The way they sit. The minor reactions that you miss over other forms of communication. It's all about the face time.

You give face time to your friends and loved ones. To others, you don't. If you want to start a relationship with someone - better yet, make one stronger - don't forget about the simplest, most effective method.

VIGIL

2008-08-23T20:12:00.009-04:00

I'm all about the quotes recently. At first - earlier in the week - it was about finding perspective. Today, it's because it is the perspective I'd forgotten from before the wedding.

Funny story. My wife and I were going to say our own vows. We went through the whole process of agonizing what to write, how to make it perfect, etc... and then we realized on our wedding day, during the ceremony that no one told the pastor apparently we were going to say our own vows. Oh well.

In the month before though, when I was writing them, I had been thinking of some quote. Couldn't remember where it was in this book ("Niels Lyhne" by Jens Peter Jacobsen... as recomended by Rainer Maria Rilke in "Letters to a Young Poet"), but I knew the idea was in the ball park of what I wanted to convey. I didn't want to re-read the whole book, so I took a considerable amount of time combing over the pages until at long last, I found it... and realized that the context didn't work for the vows. However, it is perfect for this week and this day. So for future reference it's on page 130. In the quote, the narrator is describing Niels's love for a woman:

"His love was as strong as hers but it lacked the delicate, manly tenderness which protects the beloved woman from herself and keeps vigil over her dignity."

Though this is lacking in Niels's love, the idea is beautiful. Such eloquent poetry:

"Keep vigil over her dignity."

"Protect the beloved woman from herself."

I want to love like that. I do try to love like that. To me, this is the strength of love - the beauty of keeping another set of tender, delicate eyes on your dignity. Yourself. To keep vigil. Love can be romantic, love can be heartbreaking. Love can be depressing, exhausting, trying, and cruel.

And love can be noble.

In the end, can't all noble things be described in the same way?

INSPIRATION

2008-08-22T00:19:00.004-04:00

First of all, I was wrong apparently about the quote from yesterday being Nelson Mandela's. It's actually this person's.

Secondly, I find that I turn to quotes for quick perspective. When I need it. When I'm looking to understand. So, hence last night's post. And then I saw on my refrigerator... another worthy refrigerator quote... this: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." -anonymous. Seems a good perspective for today.

Perspective leads to understanding leads to inspiration. Whether any of that was provided in the newest blog to the blogosphere, 'Ville Street Blues, I don't know, but it's so fascinating to see how I was inspired by an inspired blogger and subsequently, my blog inspired other bloggers. I can't wait to read the blogs inspired by those blogs. Maybe inspiration just keeps going and going.

I hope it does. The world is in constant need of it.

FEAR

2008-08-20T23:09:00.009-04:00

I've been looking for a quote all week... then not writing about it in the blog... then looking for it... then not finding it.. then not writing a blog about anything interesting... even though getting an iMac is insanely interesting, c'mon!

Tonight, I found the quote. It was a quote that my friend found once, and then emailed to me. It was said by a pretty smart guy named Nelson Mandela. It's what I would call a "refrigerator quote" - meaning: a quote worthy of a refrigerator. It goes like this:

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'.."

Now it could end there and that would be enough. But the true essence continues and this week in particular - and I am not speaking of myself, but some around me when I say - I wish I was wearing this quote on my forehead for people to reflect on. It goes on...

..."Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Nelson Mandela

Now, the "God" gets thrown in there, and that might lose some people, but there is a profound statement here... and profound truth. You CAN do. And don't be afraid of being able to DO things powerfully beyond measure. Your liberation, your spirit, your presence will inspire others to greatness and happiness.

To bring back an old friend, the defining principle of this little musical called A Superhero is that a superhero is someone who in your darkest moment gives you hope. When you feel buried at work, when you feel lonely, lost, afraid in your daily life. When you're afraid that your life isn't what you wanted it to be. It seems like a super-human power to be able to lift that hopelessness. A superhero is someone who gives you that hope when you're filled with that fear.

Do not be afraid to have that kind of power.

MAC POSSIBILITIES

2008-08-20T00:05:00.002-04:00

Well, I bought a mac. An iMac. I bought Final Cut Express for video editing. I bought a Dreamweaver "bible" to help at work with website authoring.

There should be no reason why within a year, I shouldn't be able to know how to build a website that has video I've edited... and do it from home. Right?

BOY

2008-08-18T00:24:00.007-04:00

As a wedding present, my brother and his girlfriend took it upon themselves to commission an artist to paint a version of a picture I have come to love of a boy looking at the horizon, wearing a superhero's cape, and believing that he can do anything as he flexes his 9-year-old twig arms in the air.

When I'm at my lowest point, I have found this picture to be inspiring, optimistic, and beautiful. So simple in message and execution, yet so profound - the limitless imagination of a young boy.

This is a gift that has resonated within me ever since the wedding. It's tough to express just how touching it is. Just how much joy I will get looking at this on my home office wall each day. It will be that constant reminder that as Mr. Obama says, "Yes, you can."

And more importantly, it will be that constant reminder that I am blessed with a wonderful family who believes in me, loves me, and supports me.

Thank you guys. I ab-so-lute-ly love it.

YAY FREE SOFTWARE

2008-08-15T10:54:00.003-04:00

Take The Vineyard's survey (even if the question isn't relevant to you! We're discovering the wonderful world of Google...

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UNIVERSE

2008-08-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

It's amazing that you need a bad day to show you the good. You need to have the day where all the technology doesn't work so that you can truly appreciate how fast a new 2GB RAM computer is when it does work. You need to have that day when you doubt love a little so that you can appreciate it when you see it thrive once again in front of you. And you need to have that day when you can't quite find the right lyric, or adjective, or note or rhythm so that you can appreciate when you finally get it and it works.

Today, the universe wanted me to have a good day.

Thank you, universe.

AYO TECHNOLOGY

2008-08-14T00:27:00.003-04:00

There seems to be something going around. Not a human thing, a computer thing. A technology thing. Almost every piece of technology I have had contact with recently has had a quirk, a glitch, a hiccup, an error, a malfunction, an obstacle that I've had to overcome.

I write this of course from a laptop because my desktop has mysteriously lost connection to the internet. Yesterday it was fine. The day before it told me it couldn't find the hard drive. I've done nothing to try and fix any of these problems, it's just that each day, it decides to feel and act a different way. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow, it will decide to find it's internet connection again.

At The Vineyard, all technological hell has broken loose. An army of people have tried to figure out why Outlook needs 45 secs to open a new window, then 45 more sec to bold something in the email, the another 45 to add a contact to the "send to" field, then 45 secs more to DO EVERYTHING!! After today's IT guy spent 4 hrs at it, we decided that the next step was to just gut it all and re-install everything. So that happens tomorrow (and will put things further behind while we spend 4 hours re-loading).

Now, we can all bitch about some tech problems, but it was truly amazing that when I went to write this blog about this topic - after all the problems with the Vineyard's computers and my personal desktop today - and my laptop decided to have trouble loading the page onto which I am entering this text. To the point where I cannot see any formatting buttons, any fonts, or other settings. The layout's completely screwed up. Unbelievable. I'm putting the text in this big white box, pushing post, and hoping for the best. So don't write angry comments at me if you're not able to read it clearly.

I'm like 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake saying "Ayo, I'm tired of using technology"! May tomorrow bring better luck...

MEETINGS

2008-08-13T00:55:00.000-04:00

I was in a meeting today from 11-12:30 then 1-2:30 then 2:45 to 3:00. I got lunch from 3ish to 3:20ish and then was in a brief meeting from 3:30 to 3:45ish. When I looked at the clock and then the to-do list, I was amazed at how the day had gotten away from me.

Not the most interesting observation, but for me – who is a strong advocate of the face to face meeting – it was a surprise resentment towards having so much of the day sucked away from my control.

CRISIS

2008-08-12T00:40:00.003-04:00

Through a crisis of DJ or a crisis of weather; a crisis of missing driver’s licenses in the ocean or a crisis of missing the best parts of a dolphin excursion; whether it’s a crisis of identity or a crisis of faith — there has been one conclusion from the first week of marriage and that is this: I have found someone who will hold my hand through the crises of life.

(Oh, and A Superhero Everyday is back on schedule.)

SOMETHING WORTHY

2008-07-28T21:39:00.005-04:00

As the long day winds down on Vineyard Theatre here at 9:40pm and a new day is just beginning here in the Wedding/Flat Stanley studio at home, I feel fresh somehow knowing that it's good to feel exhausted doing something that inspires you - something meaningful. Something worth losing sleep over.

It is with this spirit that I drink my 3rd coffee of the day so that I may find the energy to work into the night so that I may fill the next week with the amount of surprises I am hoping to fill it with.

T minus 3 days.

IN PURSUIT OF THESE ASPIRATIONS

2008-07-26T13:07:00.004-04:00

"This is our moment. This is our time.

I know my country has not perfected itself. At times, we’ve struggled to keep the promise of liberty and equality for all of our people. We’ve made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions.

But I also know how much I love America. I know that for more than two centuries, we have strived – at great cost and great sacrifice – to form a more perfect union; to seek, with other nations, a more hopeful world. Our allegiance has never been to any particular tribe or kingdom – indeed, every language is spoken in our country; every culture has left its imprint on ours; every point of view is expressed in our public squares. What has always united us – what has always driven our people; what drew my father to America’s shores – is a set of ideals that speak to aspirations shared by all people: that we can live free from fear and free from want; that we can speak our minds and assemble with whomever we choose and worship as we please.

These are the aspirations that joined the fates of all nations in this city. These aspirations are bigger than anything that drives us apart... It is in pursuit of these aspirations that a new generation – our generation – must make our mark on the world. People of Berlin – and people of the world – the scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for freedom. We are a people of improbable hope. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again."